Baywatch

Baywatch!
Awwwwwwww yeah...

I thought it vital to add my thoughts on the hit TV series: Baywatch

Baywatch was a fabulous show. Screw all the people who make fun of it because if you are such a self-important intellectual then you should be able to fathom how enjoyable a simple, happy, cheesy show can be. Not everything in life is meant to be serious and if you are sitting there searching for depth and meaning in a television show then you're retarded and should go kill yourself.

Moving on...

Baywatch was a fabulous show because it kept people in check all over the world.

1) It proved to other countries that Americans are so rich they can chill at the beach all day

2) It reminds females that being the "hot" chick in your local town/dorm/trailer park isn't worth a sh*t compared to what the Baywatch women are and if you want it, get your sh*t together and work at it. I HATE HATE HATE when I hear people say that women like the ones on Baywatch "set an unrealistic standard" or that "REAL people don’t really look like that." Whoever thinks that is WRONG on both accounts. Who are these babes on Baywatch?--they’re HUMANS, yes, female humans...NOT aliens or robots; they are in fact REAL people. So yes, REAL people REALLY DO look like that. Maybe not ALOT of real people, bc
A LOT of people are lazy, but it is possible to look like the Baywatch women. And why is being a total physical package an "unrealistic standard"? Your physical body is probably the easiest part of yourself to control. What's unrealistic is believing you SHOULD be able to eat Big Macs everyday and not have your ass grow. What's unrealistic is believing that you are MORE real if you’re fat and nasty than if you’re thin and sexy.

Yasmine Bleeth

The beefy one. Yes, she was by comparison, the heavy one. I always felt badly for her because she was by far the prettiest. Her face owned the others. But she just couldn’t get those last 10-15lbs off. Her weight fluctuates often on the show. There’s times where you know she’s only about 7lbs away from looking like Pamela Anderson, but alas, it didn’t happen for her.

One message I think that Yasmine sends to female viewers is “work with what you’ve got”. Let me explain: Just bc you’re not perfect, does not mean you throw in the towel and get lazy. Yasmine was hot bc although thick, she was toned. She was also gorgeously tan, manicured, pedicured, coiffed, powdered, and primped. She didn’t dress for comfort she dressed for appearance. If you are all about comfort DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE.

Now she looks like refried sh*t. She’s blown her nose off from coke, which changed her entire face and made her look completely different. And she’s fat. Now THAT is an unrealistic standard—a FAT coke head, wow. That is a way more difficult feat to achieve than being thin, healthy and in shape.


Pamela Anderson
DAMN

Now this is a real woman. I don’t mean how she looks today with a burnt out face, a bloated belly, and GINORMOUS implants. I mean Pam Anderson from 1994-1998. No one has ever had a body like Pam Anderson had. She was tiny and skinny, yet muscular and curvaceous. She PROVED that you don’t need an extra layer of fat like JLO to have curves. Curves can be made at the gym out of MUSCLE. You can honestly reshape, recreate, and reinvent your behind with enough squats.

And in terms of breast implants-do you NEED breast implants to be hot? No, but you do need EVERYTHING else: body, hair, skin, makeup, clothes, accessories, nails, etc

RandomRelatedRant
I love(not) these tree hugging chicks. You know, they weigh about 150-160lbs and are about 5’3. They ALL have this bottle colored auburn/reddish/burgundy hair with shoulder length hair. They’re usually extremely pale with gargantuan legs. They all mistakenly believe they have “nice” upper bodies and “toned” / “athletic” calves. When they feel like going all out on their appearance, they paint their toe nails and wash and dry their hair. Sometimes they’ll even do us the favor of wearing the wrong shade of their drugstore’s liquid makeup. They walk into wherever they’re going (school/party/etc) and locate their equally gross friends. They feel confident in their appearance for a split second, until a hot chick walks in the room and reminds them that the mantra they recited to themselves before they left the house becomes null and void outside of their bedrooms. Already feeling dejected, they catch themselves in the mirror only to realize that:

1) Crap liquid makeup changes shades when its been on for more than 10 minutes (which is why no one under 70 should ever spackle their face)
2) That huge crater zit they’d been picking at for the past week which they thought they had expertly concealed with their crap liquid makeup is totally NOT covered and is in full effect.
3) They look like shit and should just go home and put on their worn corduroys or whatever weird cotton pants they discovered 3 years ago that are comfortable and somewhat hide about 8 of their 168lbs of lard.

These are the ones that declare, “I don’t need BRRRREAST implants to be sexy, I shouldn’t have to have surgery (gasp!) to be attractive.” Ok well yes YOU probably do. But in terms of everyone else: you have to not be a fat ass. All that money you’re going to save from NOT eating 8 meals a day, you can use towards a professional hair color job once a month. And stop drinking alcohol bc its just liquid ugly. Sorry losers, but there’s no drink in the world that is going to make you feel better when you’re out, feeling buzzed, FINALLY chatting with HIM (the guy you’ve been dying to be out in a group with bc you’ve convinced yourself that an hour alone with this guy and he too will feel the connection you two have that you’ve known about forever) and SHE (the hot skinny one) walks in. Your “spiritual connection” with Mr. Right is interrupted as he falls hard for Miss Hottie. You’re drunk, bloated, and totally blown off. Is that rum and coke really worth it?

What all women on this planet need to realize, as the Baywatch women innovatively have, is that MEN are VISUALLY stimulated. NOTHING, not words/logic/.reasoning/classical conditioning will EVER change this phenomenon. Just because you, a WOMAN, feel that a guy’s personality outweighs his looks, does NOT mean a damn thing! Don’t be so egocentric as to believe that every species on this earth thinks like YOU. You can bitch and cry and moan and complain and picket and strike and rebel, but MEN will ALWAYS be attracted to the physically hot girl—the Pam Andersons of the world. Sorry, that’s reality. If you just got your ass in gear you’d actually be able to reap the benefits that women have over men. If Pam Anderson’s body isn’t in your genetic realm, aim for the Yasmine Bleeth body. But that’s all the degrees of freedom you’re getting. I don’t make the rules.

And the next time you’re ranting and raving about how demeaning it is for a woman to go thru surgery (gasp!) to look pretty, remember that YOU are the one that is obsessed with Miss Boob-Job’s implants. You don’t see her protesting against you. You know why? Because she is way too happy and secure to worry about your nappy asses. Stop obsessing about her, and remember that constantly saying “I don’t need BRRRREAST implants to be sexy, I shouldn’t have to have surgery (gasp!) to be attractive ” does not make it true. You’re not going to convince anyone else, but more importantly, you’re not going to convince the person you’re really talking to: yourself.

Who is Hot?

Hotties!

The time has come for me to share with you who the truly hot celebs are.

First let me define hot: In order for me to think you have it going on, you must not only have natural beauty but you must ALSO have sex appeal.

There are tons of celebs out there who have absolutely ZERO sex appeal and ZERO beauty i.e. Gwyneth Paltrow. There are also situations where you will have a person with natural beauty but no sexiness whatsoever. Take Courtney Cox for example-she has a beautiful face, much prettier than that of Jennifer Aniston. However, Jennifer Aniston has a sex appeal that Courteny does not. Thus, Jennifer was always the "hot" Friend, the one that all the guys wanted, etc.

So on to my list of hottie celebs. Remember, these are chicks who were/are hot...a lot of their looks did not last (too much partying can destroy even the best looking person) but the list consits of people who, at least at one time, were mega gorgeous. Note that these names are not ordered in anway

1) Yasmeen Bleeth (when she was baywatching)
2) Pamela Anderson (whens she was baywatching)
3) Jessica Simpson (now)
4) Carmen Electra (with Prince and baywatching)
5) Tiffany Amber Theissen

I will be adding to the list please feel free to comment and add your oppinions but I don't post names to lists unless I agree with you =)

New list members added!

6) Ali Landry

Britney Spears

Britney NOW---------------------------- Toned and thin------------------- In her prime

Someone doesn't quite look like she used to...

What oh what has happened to Britney??

Tsk tsk how we hold on to false hopes...
My hypotheses:

*OK so all I have heard in the past year is how fat and disgusting Britney Spears has become...and she has, you will hear no argument from me on that. But people PUHLEEZE, she stopped working out and started eating sh*t and this is what happens when you get LAZY!

She is as nasty as they get and has been since she hooked it up with that gold digging Kevin Federline. This issue of becoming a beast will be adressed and explained but FIRST we must establish her recent lifestyle choices.

Why are they together when it is so clear and obvious what HIS motives are? $$$$

Well, what happens is that two people do some drugs together (lots of weed prolly some X too), have great high sex and then think that they are "spiritually connected". They also think they are the only people on the planet who have had these "experiences" while stoned. I'd bet their best times together involve some sort of drug. When the smoke clears and the X wears off these two will not last.

Why has Britney Spears let herself go so badly. Even before she was pregnant she started to look like ass so WHAT HAPPENED?

Now this may be difficult to hear, but Britney Spears has NEVER been a natural beauty. 95% of Britney's appeal was her amazingly toned body. Look at Paris Hilton for example, she has a rat face and fake hair but her body is banging so people think she is gorgeous. Britney used to have a super toned body and that was what most of her attractiveness was based on.

Enter the hair and makeup people..So you take a super sexy body and throw on some long blonde hair, a nice tan, clear skin, and some great makeup and you're going to have yourself a pretty hot chick regardless of genetics or "natural" beauty. When you halt the workouts and the hair and makeup youre going to have yourself a BEAST.

To illustrate my point I am going to post a picture of a scrubbed out Britney when she was in shape, and a scrubbed out Britney out of shape. Notice how her face is equally unattractive in BOTH pictures. However, she is a thousand times hotter in the picture where she is in shape than in the picture where she is a blob. What does this mean? It means that SKINNY PEOPLE ARE HOTTER THAN FAT PEOPLE. It also means that in order for Britney to be hot she needs to be in perfect shape. So DON'T worry, as soon as she puts the donut down and gets her ass to the gym again she will be the same old Britney you all fell in love with. Remember, she always has had the potential to look terrible so dont be so SHOCKED by it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Britney confirms pregnancy!


*Her marriage with Kevin will end in around 2 years (can we say infidelity) and she will end up with Justin Timberlake-seriously.

* *FYI-Britney Spears NEVER had breast implants. People need to understand the magic of the wonder bra, inserts, and straight-up padding.

Mischa Barton

NOT HOT----------------------Flabby Ass---------------Treestump Legs

Um, EW!

*This chick should be best friends with Sharon Stone bc they are equally delusional. Please join me in picking apart MB's nastiness. First of all, this girl NEEDS TO BE BLONDE!!! Mischa, if you are out there please listen, I am honestly trying to help you here. MB needs to be blonde bc blonde hair can make anyone look hot and brown hair does NOTHING for her. There is no exotic element to her whatsoever. Being blonde would at least give her look a bombshell quality and it would also distract from her ugly face.

2) She needs porcelin veneers. Her teeth look like beedy little rat teeth and I HATE bad teeth. They are too small and it makes her look like an inbred.

3) She needs her upper lip plumped up NOW. The girl has no upper lip and it makes her little rat teeth even more obvious.

4) OMG her body. Her figure is freakishly bad. Her upper body is very thin and her lower body is very fat and wide. She has thin arms and NO TITS. She needs to buy boobs now-NOW! AS incredibly sexy as it is for a chick to be missing half of her anatomy, Mischa's upper body needs to balance her geneticaly cursed birthing hips. I would hope that a person with such WIDE hips and such a wide ass would at least have nice full volume to her ass, but no, alas Mischa has a wide, flat, cellulite ridden , unshapely ass. She also has tree stump legs!

Remember, this site is to HELP people by pointing out their flaws so I am going to add a TO DO list for Mischa bc I am so sweet.
1) Go blonde--call Pam Anderson and get a referral
2) Plum up those lips-call Lisa Rinna I LOVE her look
3) Get those rat theeth capped
4) Buy boobs-buy them big, buy then small, by them on the black market, just BUY THEM
5) Work out--you NEED to reshape your entire lower body, get an ass, trim down the hips
6) Get a tan--that slug pastey look isnt hot on you
7) Love yourself! Bc if you do 1-6 youll actually have reason to.

Ashlee Simpson

WHAT A REBEL! Especially the first pic =)


*Everything you need to know to understand Ashlee Simpson

1) Ashlee, much like her sister, took singing lessons to achieve any vocal talent she may or may not have. The difference is that Jessica is always good at it.

2) That "I was feeling mad at the world and frustrated so I decided to dye my hair black" scene on the Ashlee Simpson show was a total set up. You think that is a coincedence that she was mad at the world while the cameras were rolling or a marketing ploy to get all the Avril Levine fans?

3) Ever notice how Jessica's music image is the sweet, pretty, girl next door and on the Newlyweds all you see is her getting along famously with her parents. Watch her interract with her mother---its all LOVE and FUN. Then watch the Ashlee Simpson show---shes always arguing or getting in trouble---can we say contrived? Isn't it interesting how the Simpsons go from being loving and easy going parents with Jessica to big pains with Ashlee? How about when Mrs. Simpson sits there while Ashlee is getting makeup done for a shoot and is all "IRRITATED" that Ashlee refuses to wear Elvira's hair extensions...the mom seems a little TOO bitter about this hair situation. Isn't it interesting that you NEVER hear Mrs. Simpson get irritated with Jessica or criticize Jessica's look? But with Ashlee, all you hear from her is "Ugh my MOM wanted me to wear extensions but I FOUGHT for this hair and I will not let her tell me what to do".This pseudo rebellious image Ashlee tries to portray is a little too fake for me, althought I commend the parents for going along with it--they have to get their cut of her cash too you know.And how do I know that the hair dying idea was a ploy behind the scenes to portray ashlee as a rebel---bc she looks waaaay better blond! Why make yourself less attractive on purpose? I welcome some answers.

4) I'm also gonna put my money on ALMOST a virgin
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Back in April I predicted that the black hair wouldn't last any longer than her 5 minutes...and guess what...she's nearly a blonde again~

Mariah Carey

Before breakdown------------ ----------------During breakdown 2001

Reverse Anorexia and Mariah Carey
Reverse Anorexia: A disorder where overweight people think they are skinny and wasting away and believe they are in need of intervention when all they really need is a good long fast.

* So here's an issue that has been BOGGLEING my mind for so many years that I can not even see straight.Remember when Mariah Carey had her "breakdown" and talked about how she was NOT eating and NOT sleeping and how her body just shut down. Well call me old fashioned, but when someone isn't eating don't they usually LOSE weight?

Refer to the "before breakdown", "during breakdown" pictures. Apparently when Mariah Carey was eating she was skinnier, and when she wasn't eating she was fatter---astounding!

Stars who were NEVER hot---NEVER!!!!

I don't know if it's the media or what, by I am taking a stand to end inaccurate inferential biases right here and right now! There are a ton and half of fugly stars who have always been nasty, never sexy, and all I hear about is how fine they are. NO THEY ARE NOT!

*Note: The following list is NOT a completed list--more to come.

1) Renee Zellweger
2) Sara Jessica Parker
3) Gwyneth Paltrow
4) Julia Roberts
5) Cameron Diaz---stop smoking NOW
6) Uma Thurman
7) Naomi Watts
8) Drew Barrymore
9)Mischa Barton-plain Jane, on the homely side, no tits, huge hips, wide ass
10)Nicole Kidman
11) Gisele Bundchen--brown bag it
12) Kirsten Dunst
13) Angelina Jolie-I don't see it
14)Alicia Silverstone
15) Hilary Swank
16) Fergie from Black Eyed Peas--Eww put the cig out and the shot down
17) Sandra Bullock
18) Jennifer Garner

New Additions to the list (DEC 27, 2005)

19. Sienna Miller
20. Rebecca Romijn
21. Demi Moore
22. Kate Hudson
23. Adrienne Curry
24. Kate Bosworth
25. Charlize Theron
26. Brooke Burns
27. Sarah Jessica Parker
28. Jessica Biel
29. Scarlett Johanson
30. Naomi Watts

Casper Van Dien and Catherine Oxenberg

"I Married a Princess" starring Casper Van Dien and Catherine Oxenberg
WHO ARE THEY KIDDING??????

*My prediction for this show is that 1) it will either get cancelled faster than you can say "has-been" OR 2) it will become such a gross spectacle that people will love it in the worst ways...but if I was going to bet on either, I'd bet on the former.First you have Catherine Oxenberg who is about 40 years old and looking it. I am not feeling this princess thing. What she is is a chick who is all hot and bothered for some B list actor who cheats on her left and right and treats her like complete ass. She keeps getting knocked up so he will stay with her. She totally worships him and I bet she financially supports him.Then you have Casper Van Dien. He was hot about 10 years ago. By the grace of God he has found a half way decent looking chick who will actually put up with his sh*t. He cheats on her, they probably both drink a ton, and he only likes her bc of the "status" and bc she will put up with him and let him get away with anything. In this realtionship I would say that SHE does all the work although I am sure she is a complete psycho...I guess we will have to see as the first episode premiers tomorrow! Stay tuned

Jessica Simpson

Poor Jessica

* I like this girl. I like her bc she is pretty. Sure she may be a bit of a hick but at least she's not a slut. She got married to a hot singer who had sewn his wild oats and was ready to settle down. And they lived happily ever after, all except for Jessica's little NOSE CANDY issue =(
See, this is what happens when you take a little country bumpkin girl out of her element and plop her in the middle of L.A.! Whose brilliant idea was that ??? For the sake of this marriage I reccomend that Nick gets his woman THE HELL OUT OF L.A.! The LA idea may have worked when Jessica was a C list celeb but now that she is actually getting invited to Hollywood parties there may be a little more Coke and a little less pigs in a blanket to keep her warm at night.

This is a sad story bc Jessica actually has potential. However I must add kudos to the tremendous weight loss Jessica has experienced over the last year or so because she looks excellent!

Sharon Stone Is Crazy

"She's a hundred but she's wearing something tight..."


Sharon Stone suffers from delusions of grandeur...

She doesn't just think she is hot for her age, she thinks she is hotter than most chicks half her age. First of all no truly good looking women has a pixe cut and crow's feet. She is NOT hot. It is not 1992 anymore.

The Osbournes

Excellent alternative/modern parents or horrible parents?

The answer is: HORRIBLE PARENTS

And here's why:

*If you can not get 2 of your 3 children to graduate from HIGH SCHOOL, avoid hard drug addiction, or morbid obesity YOU HAVE NOT DONE YOUR JOB!

Christina Milan

Christina Milan has dropped a ton of weight and looks great!
*For all those people out there who insist that this weight loss, skinny obsession is a bad thing---WHATEVER! The skinner the better and any curves necessary can be bought at the plastic surgeon's or made at the gym. Name one star who looks better with extra weight?okay

Brad & Jennifer

What REALLY happened between Brad and Jennifer
Why did they split? My hypothesis: The begining, the middle, the end.
* Brad and Jennifer meet and fall in love. They're total stoners and have an excellent time together as best friends and lovers. All is great. She has a routine schedule on "Friends" and he does his movies now and then. They have a blast together.

They both agree that as soon as "Friends" ends, they will start a family. I believe this agreement was made very early on in their marriage-maybe even before they married. They both are completely sincere in this agreement. So "Friends" ends. Brad is totally ready to get the party started and Jennifer is procrastinating---how was she to know that her MOVIE career was going to start taking off?? She gets approached to do a bunch of movies and her assumption that she would have been forever typecasted as Ms. Rachel Green goes out the window. So now we have a huge dilemma: part of Jen's agreement to start a family was based on the idea that she would not be getting offered any parts.

Brad gets pissed. "You promised", was thrown at her and "Well you've had YOUR movie career and I was supportive of that" was thrown back by Jen. Time goes on, Jen signs up for every movie that comes her way--it becomes very clear that kids are NOT in the immediate future and Brad's biological clock is ticking. They decide to wait and reevaluate the situation after Brad finishes "Mr. and Mrs. Smith". After filming, maybe they can get pregnant, maybe...

On the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith: I do think that Brad slept with Angelina during filming. Worse yet, I think he became completely and totally infatuated with her. All of this led to a huge blow out with Jennifer. He says, "Angelina has a child and she still works why can't you do both?" Jennifer refuses to work and raise a child at the same time and becomes super pissed at this little obsession of Brad's with Angelina.

Angelina went on and on about how she balances work and her son to Brad, Brad ate it up like a lap dog. He got all hot and bothered and bitched to Jen about not having kids using Angelina as a template for the "perfect working mother". It would be a little bit scary to watch your husband obsess about another woman. Jen didn't seem to like that and still didnt budge. At some point Brad was spending unsanctioned time with the evil Angelina and Jen caught wind of it and filed for seperation. In the end, Angelina cast a spell on Brad. And poor Jennifer, is left high and dry.

I dont LOVE Jennifer Aniston. She's a little too much of the girl next door for me. I also always thought Brad Pitt was way out of her league when they first got together. But I feel sad for her bc I KNOW that she was blindsided.

Melania Trump

*I predict that Melania Trump is totally going to be pregnant before the year is out...kids are like living breathing nullified-prenups